Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Is it normal?

Whilst I've been in hospital I've seen quite a lot of TV, and some of it has made me think a lot about normality, and my life

I was watching House, and Cameron said "It's normal to want to be normal", which House disagreed with, I can't remember what he said exactly, because my mind had wandered off, thinking of what this meant to me.

On the occasional day when I'm in a lot of pain, sleep deprived, throwing up non stop etc... I wonder what it would be like to not have these things happening, but that's only very occasionally.  In all honesty, I don't want to be normal, I don't think I've ever been normal, and this usually surprises most people, I'm happier like this than I was before. I have friends who accept me for who I am and love me.  I just have to look around my room, where my locker is covered with cards from friends and all the messages they send.  I never had this as a child, I didn't have friends until I went to uni, which was full of weirdos, so I fitted in just fine, but it really wasn't until my health deteriorated and I had to look on-line to maintain friendships, that I made my breakthrough. Here I found people who were happy to welcome me in to their lives, and even though some of them I've never met, we know each other very well.  I don't think I would have found this level of friendship had my health not become a bit wonky.

I'm also happy, something I definitely wasn't as a child. I never fitted in at school, I was bullied daily, I was miserable, I didn't want to face the prospect of a whole life like that. A life like that for me, is a much scarier prospect than the life I have now.

I also know what I want to do with my life, something I certainly didn't know when I was much younger.

Consequently and I think this is why I can't be angry about my situation, my life on so many levels is better now.

There was another phrase that grabbed me, which is part of a theme tune "I don't wanna be anything other than me." This I whole heartedly agree with. Even as a child, although I may not have realised it, I never changed to fit in with my peers.  I guess though for me, I didn't like many of my peers, and so I didn't want to be involved with them anyway.

I'm proud to be me, I stand up for myself (not literally!!), and I refuse to conform to what society thinks I should be like.

Finally whilst watching Great Ormond Street Hospital last night, one of the parents said that "we all want our children to be perfect.... we just have to redefine what perfect is."
This intrigued me.  I can kind of understand what he was trying to say, and I guess it is part of unconditional love and wanting the best for your own child. I can't imagine how hard it is to watch on as your child (whatever their age), spends months in hospital, has operations, etc... In many ways I think it's probably easier to be the one living it.  I know my parents are much more stressed about my health than I am. I just put my head down and get on with living it to the best of my ability.  Making the best of the windows of health, not worrying about when it might get taken away from me again.

Back to the quote, however, I don't quite understand how you redefine perfect, I guess they were in the early stages of leading a different life, it doesn't mean that the new life, is any worse than the one they had planned in their head for their child, just a different one, that may bring in some amazing experiences that they wouldn't have had otherwise.

I don't think given another opportunity I would have lived my life differently. I'm happy, loved, and enjoy my life, which is more than many "normal" people can say, so you can go and shove your normal, I don't want to be it. I want to be and will continue to be ME!!

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